You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
