It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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