worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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