i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
