I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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