I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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