While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
