So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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