WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
