Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
