Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dick very happy bro
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
