So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
