2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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