Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
