Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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