Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
