I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize