Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i drank out of a bidet.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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