When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
