I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
