Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize