Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
