If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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