So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize