it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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