420 ftw
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
