I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
