Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
