Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
