You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My vagina is officially offended.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
