I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
