oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
