Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
