i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
