you have to choose: penises or morals?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
