You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
