I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
