i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
