I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
