no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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