saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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