nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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