How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
