I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
