Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize