Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
