best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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