I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
