Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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