well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My liver just had a heart attack.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
