at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't want my vagina anymore.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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