I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
