I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
