Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
