I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
