How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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