the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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