Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Randomize
