Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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