I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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